A loss.

Well this summer is not shaping up the way I planned. Isn't that how planning goes?

This was to be the weekend of my big reveal. To tell my blogging friends that I was pregnant with my third child. This weekend marked the twelve week point that is deemed "safe" to reveal the news. However, I went in for my prenatal appointment two days ago only to be devastated by sad news.

The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat (that's when I knew), and said not to worry that she would do an ultrasound. Four ultrasounds later, and confirmation by a specialist, the news was grim. Unbeknownst to me the baby had stopped developing while my body kept right on with the pregnancy.

My pregnancy hormone was so high that I was still throwing up, even after the appointment.

I would say mostly I am shocked. You see, I have already done the miscarriage thing, twice. This makes my third. Feelings are swirling around me and are all mixed up. Shock, anger, grief, and any combination of the three at any time.

The first time I had a miscarriage I was 11 weeks pregnant, but I had a hunch. This time it blindsided me. I spent this summer throwing up every single day, all day long. That is why I didn't blog about my vacation (or much of anything else) I was too busy throwing up. I threw up in the airplane, in gas stations, restaurants, parking lots, and anywhere else we went. It was quite miserable, but always with the thought that I was sacrificing for my baby.

I have been so sick this summer that my children kind of missed summer. They spent the summer in pajamas eating ramen noodles out of the package while watching cartoons.

Right now I am mourning. Mourning for my loss. Mourning for my children who had a mother missing in action for the past couple of months. Mourning for our lost summer before Lilly starts school. Just mourning.

I think pregnancy loss is a topic that can be taboo. That has always bothered me, which is why I share such a personal loss with you. To share, to mourn with those that mourn.